Am I such a monster?
by SnowVixen
Summary: Alice has been waiting to finally find this tall, blond man she's had visions of for as long as she can remember. Jasper is wandering at this point, no destination in mind, feeling like there has to be more to this immortal life then where he's at.
1. Chapter 1: Waiting

**_Hi Everyone! Thanks for taking the time to read. This is my first attempt at Fan Fiction in a long while - and my first attempt at Twilight._**

**_I absolutely love Jasper and Alice, particularly because there's so much we don't know about their history, leaving it open for the rest of us to think up. _**

**_PS I don't own these characters. I just love them. I'm borrowing them for a short while to write this story._**

Chapter 1: Waiting. Still Waiting.

She was waiting. Still waiting. Forever waiting. It seemed like forever at least. By her own count, it had only been about 47 years, give or take. She knew it was coming though. The fashion trends were catching up to her visions - it was just a matter of time.

Oh how much easier it's be if he'd just look at a calendar!

She'd figured out the place, though. That was something. And the day was overcast and a bit rainy. It was going to be springtime, the buds on the trees hadn't yet flushed into leaves. She could see where he'd leave the road and enter the forest, near a trailhead, no doubt to hunt. He looked at his feet a lot, she noticed. She could see his damp hiking boots, very worn out. One of his laces was tied together. Obviously he spent a lot of time in them.

He wasn't a 'vegetarian' like they were. She'd seen him hunt a few times. He was a pro, seemed to plan it out perfectly. She wasn't sure how old he was, or where he was from. She'd seen his reflection in the mirror as well. He rarely looked at himself. She saw the scars on his neck and face. She wondered about them. Only other vampires could have made even a mark on him. What had he been through so far and what had he seen. She couldn't imagine they'd ever run out of things to talk about.

But still, the human thing was a bit of a problem. He'd have to change that. Not yet. A later vision, and she'd had many of him to reflect on, had shown her that he'd struggle with it, but he would try. That's all she could ask. It would be an adjustment, it'd take time. Who among their kind didn't have time? It hadn't been a huge ordeal for her to make the change. She hadn't fully understood what she was doing before she came to live with the Cullens. Seeing that they chose their lifestyle and were quite content with it made it easier. The way they explained it, each with their own reasons, made it a breeze. She'd never thought of herself as a monster, just confused. When she'd first seen the light, when she'd first been on her own and free from the institution that had forever kept her in the dark, she was open to possibilities. That, of course, didn't come without a mountain of fear.

It was easy to find the Cullens. She'd seen a vision of them too, just like she was now for his blond man she didn't know. She'd felt so strongly that she belonged there. Just like she felt now, like she belonged with that man - that he belonged with them all.

The biggest answer for her so far though, the most defining fact, was a brief vision she'd had just this morning. He was checking out of a motel, he was moving on. The date was on the bill. The address, the town, even the state. And at last he signed his name.

She flew down the stairs to join the rest of her family who were quietly talking, perhaps waiting for her. She couldn't contain her grin. Edward gave her a knowing smile, he'd read her thoughts and seeme djust as happy that she had an answer for them.

'His name is Jasper…Jasper Whitlock!'

**_Reviews are appreciated and welcome. But be gentle, I'm a bit rusty!!_**


	2. Chapter 2: The Man Himself

_**Hi again, thanks for checking back! So, time for a new chapter and hoping you're liking it so far. Found this one a bit difficult because I wanted to say enough without saying too much. This is supposed to be Jasper's intro in the story. Enjoy!!**_

_**PS: I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them.**_

Chapter 2 - The Man Himself

This was the sort of morning he loved. It wasn't full light out yet and the air was misty. He wouldn't stand out. It was relaxing, one less thing to worry about. The weather station had predicted some rain. That would make hunting a bit more difficult. Not a lot of humans ventured out in the bad weather. He'd have to take his chances though, he'd waited long enough.

Jasper had used the trail system several times. It was vast enough, covered enough ground in all directs and over a variety of terrain. He often imagined that if he were into nature, or even photography, he'd be in heaven here. There was a lot to see if a person had the time to spend here. He had the time, he had an eternity in fact, but his purpose for being here wasn't as simple as most everyone else who came this way.

He always took a different route. Sometimes he'd follow a lone hiker in, sometimes he'd head in first and wait. Today was going to be a waiting day. He was anxious, and nervous. He was always nervous. He was generally shy, and it made him feel awkward when people paid him any attention. He knew the darkness of his eyes, if anyone were to notice, would startle them. Eyes of onyx weren't a common sight - they were wrong.

He sighed heavily while he sat, perched in a high branch. He'd let his thirst get a bit stronger, a bit more demanding this time. He'd gotten nervous when the last person he'd taken had ended up being a relative of the motel manager. That was a bit too close for him. Not that he'd ever be suspected. He was just the quiet guy who was too pale and kept to himself.

Now it'd been two weeks since then. He couldn't wait any longer. He'd surprised himself this morning by resisting the temptation of taking the motel manager himself. It would've been too easy. The old fool wouldn't have seen it coming. Of course, it would've also been followed by the inevitable torment that always followed a meal. One that would linger long after the satisfaction was gone. He couldn't remember individual emotions anymore. There was just a large constant weight, almost a blur, that followed him like a rain cloud. The emotions of his victims that he read and felt so clearly as if they were his own. In fact, they did become a part of him. Fear was the strongest. It ate at him more then the others.

He was a monster, they were his victims. He was also a vampire with a conscience. He felt guilt and regret, renewed every time he fed to sustain himself. What a miserable existence it seemed to be. He'd tried not eating, but the result would've been him losing control in a public setting - him being seen. The monster revealed for what he was. That would not do. That was against the rules.

He heard people coming now. The daze he was in faded and he easily zeroed in on them from a distance. Three of them - too many. A group could get complicated, not that he wasn't hungry enough. But it was hard enough to deal with the after-effects of one, let alone 3. He groaned, and brought his hands up, running them through his hair, pulling in frustration.

The breeze shifted just slightly and he caught their scent. His eyes widened as recognition washed over him. Every muscle in his body tensed, he froze perched like a gargoyle on a building. His lips involuntarily pulled back to expose his teeth, and a low growl escaped that he just couldn't stifle.

They weren't human. They were like him. They were searching for something - he could feel the caution in them. And then they stopped and stood on the trail beneath him.

_**So, please review. Tell me what you think. I really really want to know! The next chapter will be a bit more action packed, I promise!!**_

_**Love, SV**_


	3. Chapter 3: The Pursuit

**Hi again, and thanks for checking back! I like this chapter because there was more action to it, and it finally brings the characters together. I'm trying to pace myself with this story though, not cramming too much in at once. Anyway, enjoy!**

**PS, Stephenie Meyer owns these characters, I just borrowed them.**

_Re-cap: __The breeze shifted just slightly and he caught their scent. His eyes widened as recognition washed over him. Every muscle in his body tensed, he froze perched like a gargoyle on a building. His lips involuntarily pulled back to expose his teeth, and a low growl escaped that he just couldn't stifle._

_They weren't human. They were like him. They were searching for something - he could feel the caution in them. And then they stopped and stood on the trail beneath him._

**Chapter 3 - The Pursuit**

Jasper stayed perfectly still, not even breathing, and waited. His grip on the branch tightened, his knuckles were even whiter. The three of them stood on the trail, scanning the forest. With eyes that could see farther then humans and much more clearly. The larger one and the blond one were more visibly 'looking' while the young-looking one seemed to be listening. His head tilted just slightly, as if he were hearing some far off conversation. Then he suddenly looked up, directly at Jasper on his perch, with a knowing look on his face. He grinned, and it wasn't menacing, but it didn't exactly make Jasper feel comfortable. His lips moved slightly but the words were clear even from the distance 'There he is, he's up there'. The other two looked - the blond one concerned, the large one grinned. The young-ones eyes never left him.

'Jasper?' the young one called up to him.

*how does he know my name?!?* the question raced through Jasper's mind.

He hesitated, considering his options. He didn't often encounter other vampires, let alone a group. In his experience, this was the exact situation he didn't want to be in. No good could come of this. He wasn't in top form since they'd caught him between feedings; he wasn't as strong as he could be. He was out-numbered and he definitely wasn't interested in going one on one with the larger one in particular. Something about the way he was cracking his knuckles, just for starters.

They didn't look vicious, they didn't seem to be hunting him, but he wasn't going to risk it. He got his feet under him on the branch and sprang to the next tree. Again and again he repeated the movement, creating as much distance as he could from them. He wanted to get far enough away so he could get to the ground and run. He wasn't sure, but he thought he heard a deep laugh behind him, 'So, it'll be a chase then!'

When he glanced back he didn't see them, and he decided to chance hitting the ground. His feet touched first and he was already running. But it was only 20 paces before something crashed into him from the side. He lost his balance and found that his arms were held tight against his own body - one of them had his arms around him. A second crash sent them all falling to the ground. This one was harder, and accompanied by that deep laugh again as they hit the forest floor. A vicious growl ripped from his throat, his teeth were bared and his mouth filled with venom. But he was stuck.

The larger one had his lower half pinned to the ground. The younger one still had his arms. The blond one crouched beside them ; the other two hissed and growled as well, but it was defensive, he could feel that. But it didn't make him feel any better about his present situation.

He looked at the blond one and tested the air for any sign he wasn't going to be torn apart right there and then. He was surprised at the positive aura surrounding him. The blond one smiled, and it seemed very genuine. The growling stopped, and while the tension remained, it wasn't as intense as it had been a moment before.

"Jasper.." the blond one said, "..I know it's a bit confusing, and this wasn't the way we'd intended to introduce ourselves..'. Jasper's mind swam. "How do you know my name?" The grip that held his arms loosened just slightly. The blond one shifted in his place and spoke past him to the other two "Let's give him some space, shall we?" As Jasper regained control of his limbs, the blond one looked at him with that gentle grin again, finishing his thought "We have a lot to talk about."

**I've been thinking - reviews really encourage me to continue, so please review, and I'll be sure to update faster!!!! (and either way, thanks for reading)**

**Love, SV**


	4. Chapter 4: Introductions

_**Sorry for the delay, but I've also been working on another story which has kept me a bit distracted (not to mention work, kids, etc etc, but anyway) . **_

_Re-Cap:_

"_Jasper.." the blond one said, "..I know it's a bit confusing, and this wasn't the way we'd intended to introduce ourselves..'. _

_Jasper's mind swam. "How do you know my name?" The grip that held his arms loosened just slightly. _

_The blond one shifted in his place and spoke past him to the other two "Let's give him some space, shall we?" _

_As Jasper regained control of his limbs, the blond one looked at him with that gentle grin again, finishing his thought "We have a lot to talk about."_

**Chapter 4 - Introductions**

Jasper stretched out his arms, then his legs, making sure everything still worked. That larger guy has one hell of a grip on him. He did everything cautiously, so as to not make any sudden moves or create any more tension then there already was. It seemed that the other 3 were of the same idea. He tested the emotions in the air, and was glad to find no signs of hostility, no anger. In fact the emotions he felt seemed very similar to his own. Naturally this confused him - they'd come after him and now they were a bit wary too?

He couldn't be sure of their intentions, but the calm way that they all took a seat on the ground, giving him his space, was reassuring. Given his bad experiences with others of his kind, he was quite pleased at the direction this was going.

'We aren't going to hurt you Jasper, that's not our intention.' The blond one said. Something about his voice was strangely calming, but Jasper wasn't ready to assume he was safe just yet.

He bit back half of a chuckle, and shook his head slightly. 'Why should I believe that?'

The large deep chuckle answered "Because if we were going to hurt you, you'd be in pieces already"

Jasper looked over at the larger one, and saw that he had a point. There was something friendly and jovial about him. He was probably just 'the muscle' in the group, not necessarily the most dangerous.

'Emmett, please.." The younger one addressed the large one. He rolled his eyes.

Jasper looked at the blond one again. There was a sincerity there. He relaxed and exhaled, crossed his legs to sit Indian style and leaned back on the tree behind him. He was willing to listen. The other three followed his lead, relaxing more. Now, anyone who would have come upon them may have just thought they were just a group of friends in a conversation.

The blond one cleared his throat, after sharing a glance between himself and the younger one. If Jasper didn't know any better, he'd swear there was something there. Their expressions changed, a slight nod came a few times from the younger one, almost as if there was a silent conversation. Obviously though, it didn't include 'the muscle' because he sat quietly picking the bark off the fallen tree he'd chosen to lean against.

"I'm sorry, we havent even introduced ourselves. I'm Carlisle Cullen' the blond one said, 'And there are my sons Edward and Emmett" he motioned to the young one and larger one in turn. "We live in a town called Forks, in Washington. It's not too far from here."

His curiosity got the better of him "You live together there?" Their kind typically didn't like being close like that, not unless they were paired up. Some sort of territorial instinct. And, never had he heard of vampires staying in any one place - he'd thought they were all nomads like he was. His confusion seemed to amuse the younger one, who grinned a bit. "What?" He questioned him.

The younger one, Edward, had yet to say anything since the chase had ended. "We live there with Carlisle's wife Esme, Emmett's wife Rosalie, and another young lady named Alice." They all shared a smirk after he mentioned the last person, but he wasn't about to ask about their inside joke.

Jasper couldn't help himself after a few moments of awkward silence went by "Why are your eyes that color? Why are they gold like that?' It was a strange feature that the group of three shared.

Carlisle grinned and looked at Jasper with that same ease as before. "It's diet-related, Jasper. We don't feed on human blood."

Jasper fought back the urge to laugh. He couldn't imagine how that was possible. The whole concept of feeding on humans wasn't even an idea to him, it just 'was'. There was no alternative for him; he'd never considered an alternative, anyway. If the guilt and lingering regret he always felt after feeding wasn't enough to make him want to find a different route to satisfy his hunger, he wasn't sure anything else would ever be able to.

"So.." Jasper began "..what do you eat then?"

The two looked to Carlisle to explain. He seemed the most comfortable doing so. "We hunt animals, Jasper. There is an abundance of them where we live, as long as we are responsible about it. You might find it's a difficult adaptation, but even the worst of us were able to accept it in time." He looked towards Emmett then, and he made a face back.

Jasper was more confused "What would make you think I'd be interested in doing that? Ugh, the idea just sounds so…..so…"

"It takes some getting used to…" Edward interrupted.

Carlisle waited a moment before continuing. "We were hoping you'd want to come back home with us. Give our lifestyle a try. "

Jasper was getting irritated now and was about to stand to leave "Why would I want to do that? I don't even know you!"

Edward raised his hands in a calming gesture "Because we've all been where you are, Jasper. We thought maybe you'd be interested in companionship to start…aren't you tired of roaming alone yet?'"

Before Jasper could answer, Emmet spoke up "Ya, that and if we don't bring you back, Alice'll have a fit and will be impossible to live with form now on!"

They all seemed amused at that thought. 'Just give us a chance, Jasper. If it doesn't work out, we'll compensate you for your time and we'll bring you wherever you want to go." Carlisle added.

He considered it. They seemed genuine. They seemed sincere. And this 'Alice' person who they talked about seemed pretty interested in meeting him - why he didn't know. He wasn't going anywhere in particular either, so perhaps a detour wasn't too big of a deal.

He sighed "Alright…you said it's not far?" With that, they all started on their way.

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**I know, I know, it's a bit slow going, but it's all building to something, I promise.**

**And remember, Review Review Review.**

**Love, SV**

**PS - If you havent yet, put me on 'Author Alert' for when I launch my second FanFic. It's a neat idea, and few have made this pairing so far. But, I'm keeping it a secret for now. **


	5. Chapter 5: Home

_**A/N: So sorry for the delay, but now I've got a fire lit under my ass to make some progress with both my on-going stories, so here we go. **_

_**PS I don't own these characters, I'm borrowing them**_

**Ch 5 - Home **

The journey together had been fairly uneventful. Carlisle and Edward sat in front and Jasper found himself in the back of the black Mercedes with Emmett. While the small talk came and went, Jasper picked up on the fact that there was a seemingly one-sided conversation going on at the same time between Edward and Carlisle. Emmett seemed content to look out the window when Jasper didn't come off as the best conversationalist. He was shy - that was a large part of it. But he also wasn't used to being with other people for extended periods of time.

He felt uncomfortable when they first met, as he now looked at the three of them more closely and saw how flawless they were he felt more unsure of himself. He wondered at how different their lives were up to this point - they were completely scar-free as far as he could tell. He saw nothing wrong with any of them. His self-consciousness crept over him and he sat quietly. He was glad that the worst of his visible scars were on the window-side. Never mind what was under his clothing. This comparison made him wonder what they really wanted with him

He tried not to think about it. How each scar had began the same way. One second of him letting his guard down, allowing another young vampire to get to close, underestimating them. It always stung and burned slightly for a time afterwards, but then would blend in to everything else he had to feel. He didn't remember how he burned when he was changed. There was too much in his memory since then. Some physical, but in the last 90 years or so - since he had left Maria and the vampire battles in the south that had for so long been all he knew - all he felt were emotions. Anger, fear and disgust were the worst. He thought about it bitterly and slowly sank into a bad mood. He hated himself and what he was. Mostly what he did.

He was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn't catch the latest exchange between two of his travelling companions. Carlisle shot Edward a quick glance, who then in turn closed his eyes and nodded. He whispered his response to the unheard question.

"I don't think so, no."

Emmett shifted in the back seat, a slight glare in his eyes, his mouth pulled down into a frown. He was in a bad mood as well, though he was oblivious as to why.

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Even with their speed, it still took some time to get back to Forks, and to the Cullen home. As they travelled the wooded driveway, Jasper became a bit anxious as he felt the emotional climate in the car change. While Emmett was eager and excited - as if he were waiting for some climax in a movie or something - the other two were nervous. Jasper turned to look at Emmett, who had a grin spread wide across his face and saw that it was just how he was. That was Emmett, he figured out. He seemed to be the type who took life as it came ad didn't think too deeply on things or take anything too serious. The two in the front were a different sort though. Edward seemed to take everything seriously, while Carlisle seemed positive all the time, optimistic and hopeful.

When the house came into view, Jasper wasn't surprised at the size. It was older and it was grand. The large garage hinted at many vehicles to choose from. These people had money. He shook his head, slightly dismayed as he felt he didn't belong here. All he owned fit in his backpack. As he left the car, he caught the scent of 3 more vampires and couldn't help the low growl in his throat. Carlisle kept his distance while Edward made his way towards the house. Emmet came up behind him, play punched him in the shoulder and said a hearty 'Welcome Home!'

Esme and Rosalie were the first two in sight, and as Emmett jogged up and embraced the latter, gorgeous blond, Esme made her way to wards Carlisle. She was cautious and smiled as she approached.

'This must be Jasper?'

Jasper couldn't help but be warmed by her mere presence and her genuine friendliness. He smiled slightly despite himself. Carlisle reached for her hand and gave it a light squeeze. When the third female stayed on the porch, near Edward, Jasper understood. They were paired up. They all had the same lifestyle - the same gold eyes. His self-consciousness swept over him again, with a deeper depression mixed in with it as he felt his red eyes probably blazed like a neon sign in comparison.

Esme gasped lightly, bringing a hand up to cover her still heart as she felt the wave from Jasper wash over her. Carlisle felt it too and gripped her hand tighter. He stepped towards Jasper with Esme in tow and made the introductions.

'Jasper, this is my wife Esme.'

As Jasper looked up, just his southern habit of being polite to women, he saw the warmth in her eyes and felt it wash over him again.

'It's so wonderful that you're here.' She said, reaching for his hand.

Jasper took it and shook it lightly, but wished he was under a rock somewhere at the same time. He could feel them looking at him, appraising him. He was uncomfortable and wondered now if he'd made a mistake.

He was next introduced to Rosalie, the blond bombshell that Emmett laid claim to. Her gaze on him was the hardest to take. While it wasn't disgust, she had clearly noticed his scars. What she felt was pity.

All the while, through all the emotions he experienced through the group at his being here, there was a constant stream of adoration directed at him. But he didn't understand it. No one had looked at him like that….ever. Why would they?

When he met Alice, that all changed. She was excited to meet him, more so then the rest. She was cautious but couldn't stop herself from hugging him. Aside from the boys earlier that day, nobody laid a hand on Jasper. He didn't like it. Part of it was instinct from his earlier years as a young vampire. The rest was the result of him having given up on any hope of companionship. He'd assumed he'd have an eternity of solitude - even if he stayed with this family. They were paired up - Carlisle and Esme, Emmett and Rosalie - both pairs married. And the bond that Edward and Alice shared was impossible to miss.

So what did they want with him?

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_**A/N: reviews please, I'm losing steam on this one. **_

_**Love, SV**_


	6. Chapter 6: Family Life

**I am an awful awful awful person, I know. But I'm back.**

**Disclaimer - Stephenie Meyer is the mastermind and created these wonderful characters. I'm borrowing them.**

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**Chapter 6 - Family Life**

The day to day routines in the Cullen household had a relaxing flow to it. Carlisle spent his days at the hospital, which even after a month Jasper could not believe. So close to so many humans, always the scent of blood nearby. It made Jasper thirsty just thinking about it. He could see Carlisle's good heart, his good intentions. He wasn't making himself suffer to make up for anything - he genuinely wanted to help people.

It was partly for this reason that Jasper had decided to make an honest try at their odd eating preference.

During the first week, his thirst had become unbearable. As he came to understand, Edward could hear his thoughts, and thus had offered to take him hunting. The idea became less and less repulsive as his thirst became more and more demanding, and eventually he agreed. Edward was a good companion for this. Jasper didn't have to say much and Edward would still know what he thought, what concerned him..everything. He found that he enjoyed his company, and the hunt wasn't nearly as awful as he'd expected. He also enjoyed the change in his younger companion's emotional climates. Normally he was very dull, very serious and nothing changed. But on the hunt, the excitement and the rush he felt helped Jasper to enjoy the experience even more.

While they were on their way back to the house, Edward broke the comfortable silence.

'So how are you liking it with us? Do you find it's suiting you?'

'It's definitely not what I'm used to, if that's what you mean.'

Edward chuckled slightly at his answer. 'No, I guess it wouldn't be, would it.'

Jasper waited a moment before answering. 'Can you see everything in my head? I mean not just what I'm thinking, but what about….'

'…Memories?' Edward finished for him. Jasper nodded, and they stopped walking. 'Yes, I can see memories. It gets easier the more time I spend with a person, of course. I don't know everything in your mind, and frankly I don't want to pry. I don't try to hear everything. But, if you think about something I can see it as well.'

Jasper thought about that and Edward waited. 'I can feel what other people feel.' Jasper said simply. Edward could see he didn't fully understand his ability yet.

'Well, I find it interesting. Are you aware you can project it to other people as well?'

'No, I had no idea.' Jasper now felt uncomfortable, and Edward chuckled again.

'You're doing it right now. You're making me feel antsy and I havent done anything!'

Edward smiled reassuringly and Jasper relaxed.

As they approached the house Jasper felt the strangest sensation. He looked towards the now familiar house and saw her. They did not spend considerable amounts of time together. She seemed to give him his space. He appreciated that. He felt the adoration she had for him, and that gave him confidence. He grinned, despite himself. She was waiting for him and that made him happy. The charge he felt when he saw her, or when he was near her, was electric. He'd never felt a deep emotion for any one he'd ever met - not like this. Not like her . If his heart were beating, it would have skipped. He felt warm inside, though that was impossible. His grin was about as wide as hers.

Edward nudged him before giving the two of them privacy. 'You're doing it again….'

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**Reviews are Love…so Love me. Please. I'm sorry for the huge delay. But I'm back now.**

**Love, SV**


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